The Lover Viruses

Love. That overly used word yet overly underused emotion. We all hate to admit it but love does happen. In more ways than one.

Everyone dreads being the recipient of a virus, but there’s no harm in studying them, right? So, let us highlight the different types of ‘viruses’ that might have or will soon infect your human CPU over the course of time.

1. Autorun.fzn Virus

The extension .fzn stands for ‘friend zone‘. This type of virus will reside in your life for ‘unknown’ reasons. You don’t really know what their purpose is but every time you delete them, another pops up in a different folder in your life. Be it the music folder (clubs and parties) or the work documents folder (at work). First time you saw them, you felt alarmed because you foresaw significant change in your XXX folder.  You’ve been waiting for some sign of effect but nothing is forthcoming.

2. ‘Awww.cute’ Virus

The extension .cute stands for ‘that’s cute’. This type of virus is one an acquaintance uploads into your life in form of mutual friends. It has a fancy name and does what you want when money data is input and looks great from face value. It will be in your life for a short time because as soon as you get bored doing the same thing time and time again, you’ll delete it and install firewalls against future instances. Firewalls here include, but are not limited to, ignoring her calls, feigning business trips and eventually blocking her from your list of contacts.

3. Me and My Friend.worm Virus

As the name suggests, after planting itself in your CPU/life, it will invite others to occupy your life who will duplicate the initial action of financial siphoning. The worm may do damage and compromise the emotional security of your life. It may arrive via exploitation of a system vulnerability e.g loneliness or by clicking on an infected e-mail e.g a Facebook friend request.

4. Fuck Virus

This virus hides in a list of genuine programs a.k.a friends. It’s negative effects are secretive and won’t be detected till late when the damage is done. You think you hit the jackpot by listening to music you did not pay for, then the music starts asking for ‘plugins‘ and drivers. By plugins here, I mean money for the salon, airtime and household stuff. Drivers is just code for ‘small’ medical emergencies of 1,000 Cedis and such. These vary though. Some are just lost autorun.fzn viruses.

5.Logic Bombs/Time Bomb Virus

These are viruses which are programmed to initiate at a specific date or when a specific event occurs. Some examples are those viruses which announce their presence at the end of the month or when you get a huge bonus at work. These viruses will self-engage and self-destruct when their running time is over. Her motto is usually ‘Dough or Die

6.Polymorphic/Permanent Viruses
polymorphic virus type of lover not only clones herself by being replaced by another lover just like her, she will also change her digital signature (looks/name/tribe/nationality e.t.c) every time she comes back. This makes it difficult for less sophisticated antivirus software like friends and family to detect. It might take prayers and fasting before the devil in her is exorcised. She exhibits all the attributes of the other viruses only she does it in ‘ninja mode’.

So, what kind of virus have you encountered?

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